Commitment

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating--in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."

What's ironic is that this was on my Starbucks cup this morning. Leave it to Starbucks to give you mind-blowingly astound statements on life as early as 9am in the morning (yes I realize some of you get your morning coffee at 5am), giving you all day long to ruminate on the profoundness that is your "Daily Life Tip #whatever".

It's a funny thing, commitment. And the quote gets it right on so many levels, not just with love, but with everything. I've found in my life, that when you commit to something wholeheartedly, you enjoy it more, you're less concerned with keeping up appearances, and if you fail--which you will and you will do it miserably (no one fails in style)--you'll somehow be better off because of it. However, the act of committing in the first place is horrible. It's positively terrifying and unfortunately, the thought of it now makes me want to throw up. Actually, I should qualify that. The act of committing relationally terrifies me--committing to work and play come rather easily I find.

It took me 20 years to even begin to understand what commitment meant, and once I did, I spent the next two years searching for that someone who would commit to me. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 18, and it was with a rather puny guy who to this very day, I cannot believe I ever let him kiss me in all his frat-tastic awfulness. What followed was a small handful of very bad first kisses with even worse candidates for commitment. I didn't go on my first date until I was a sophomore in college--I didn't even get asked to prom junior or senior year in high school--and, to this day, I haven't really been on a first date since, at least, not to my knowledge. I've only had one boyfriend--we dated for two and a half years, and it ended almost as quickly as it started. Needless to say, this threw me into a frenzy for a couple of weeks, until I decided that it was time to change. I spent 22 years searching for commitment from someone, and when they threw it back in my face, that was it--I was done searching. So I did what every broken-hearted girl does when she gets dumped. I moved to New York. 

However, I am still rather terrified of commitment. It's like the nasty "c" word my close girlfriends and I shriek and hide in terror from. It's not that I don't want commitment with someone. I do. I want the to have and to hold, you're the first person I see in the morning and the last one I see at night, happily ever after. I'm a sucker for romance. I'm just not sure I've met anyone yet who I would want that with. Or rather, maybe I have, and I'm so afraid of committing again--afraid of getting hurt again would be more appropriate--that I've over thought absolutely everything and can't see a possibly wonderful thing staring me right in the face.

So when do you find the courage to let your heart take over, stop all rational thoughts, and just go for it? I'm still looking for my courage. Unfortunately, I think it lies in the hands of an all mighty wizard in the wonderful land of Oz...